My Story

A lot has happened since I posted last, and to tell you the truth it was just to painful to post blow by blow. I think everyone that has ever been pregnant has thought about miscarriage. You don't think about it much, and you certainly don't ever expect it will happen to you.

I experienced some strange symptoms almost 3 weeks ago. I didn't think much of them at the time, but Steven insisted that I go see Michelle my midwife. I really went just to satisfy him, not really thinking anything was wrong. When I got there Michelle couldn't find the baby's heart beat. We hadn't heard it at our previous appointment either, but it was still a little early at that point. This time however we should have heard it loud and clear. She sent me up for an ultrasound trying not to alarm me to much, I had a feeling what was going on though. The ultrasound lady didn't say a word the whole time, and I didn't see that tell tale flutter on the screen. When I went back down to see Michelle she gave me the news. The baby had no heart beat. It only measured 8 weeks and I was then about 10.5 weeks pregnant. She comforted me and told me how common it really was for this to happen, I was to much in shock to really comprehend what was going on. She told me we had two options, one was to have a D&C where they surgically remove the fetus, and the other was to wait for my body to do it on it's own, both of which have risks associated with them. I made the decision to wait for my body to do what the Lord designed it to do. Michelle told me she would give me two weeks and after that it became dangerous for me to wait any longer and I would have to come in for the D&C.

I was totally in shock, Steven was out of town on business. I called him and he really comforted me and made arrangements to come home that evening. I told the girls what had happened when I got home, there was no hiding that something was wrong. They took it hard and I found it hard to comfort them when I didn't know how to feel myself. It was a church night, but being so raw I just couldn't bring myself to go to church. Steven went over at the end of the service and the church prayed for us. It blessed me so much when Brother Shelley came by to pray for us. He said that he had told the Lord that he was willing to be the voice of Resurrection if that would be the Lord's perfect will and I appreciated that so much. You see I was ready to believe for a miracle, but at the same time it is to late of an hour to question why the Lord would allow certain things to happen, and the last thing I want to do is to pray against his sovereign will in these last days. I praise God for a pastor that is sensitive to the spirit. If the Lord wanted to take this baby home, I was ready and willing to surrender my will for His. That whole night the chorus to this song ran through my head almost as a prayer.

It's all about you Jesus, And all this is for you
For your glory and your fame
It's not about me, as if you should do things my way
for you alone are God and I surrender to your ways

The time fast approached when I was going to have to schedule a D&C, I was scared and frustrated at the same time. I really wanted the Lord to take care of things not the Dr and the hospital. If I had to go through this I wanted to do in in the comfort of my own home. When Tuesday came and nothing had happened, I called Michelle to see if she would give me more time. She said sometimes your body just won't do it and it was time for me to schedule the D&C. I trust Michelle and I know she wants whats best for me. So I told her I would call and make an appointment the next day. That morning I just felt I needed one more day, so I waited, I was so disappointed by that night when nothing had happened, but I was blessed when early the next morning it happened naturally. The Lord was really with me and it wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting. I had already spent so much time grieving that I was just so relieved that this part was over, I felt that now I could go on with life and the grieving process. My body can heal and so can my heart.

Through this all I have had such awesome friendship, prayers, and support from so many places. I'd just like to thank my family for all the prayers, phone calls, and love.....My church family for checking on me, sharing personal experiences, praying and seeking the Lord on my behalf and loving me.....and my awesome friends at Scrap Girls. I can't believe the messages, emails, and phone calls I received. The openness and personal, painful stories that were shared with me, I have learned and it's so true....there is prophetic power in a testimony....it's just incredible. There are not words to describe how I feel about all that has been done for me and my family during this time, and the word thank you just doesn't seem sufficient. God bless all of you.

I know this has been a very long post, but I think it has been part of the healing process. Now I feel like I can go on. We will be seeking the will of the Lord on trying for another baby. It is the desire of my heart, but I only want His perfect will and timing. Please continue to pray for us.

I'd like to share a song with you that one of my friends at Scrap Girls shared with me. She said it comforted and ministered to her during her time going through this same thing. And it blessed me more than she will ever know.