My Story

From the Scrap Girls Newsletter today, this is one of my favorite muses by Rozanne Paxman.....I though you all might enjoy it!

Great Mysteries of the Civilized World: Exposed

Listen folks, have I got big news for you today! A secret vault, hidden deep, deep in the darkest forest of the Amazon has been discovered, filled to the brim with informational pamphlets.

Now, these are not ordinary pamphlets. No... indeed... These little documents – so innocent in appearance – hold all of the secrets of the civilized world. And, what's more, anyone that owns these simple little sheaths of paper will have an instant claim to the brain that they have always been longing for, because one of these pamphlets has all of the answers required to become a Trivial Pursuit master!

Because I don't want to cause a riot in the streets, I will just tease you with a short list of the additional miraculous material that can be yours, should you desire to own your own copy of these secret informational pamphlets!

• Learn where all of the world's missing socks can be located.

• Discover who has been hiding the tops of Rubbermaid food storage containers.

• Read top-secret government information about why silver dollars aren't made out of silver anymore.

• Did you know? The great can-opener conspiracy: They are built to break when you need them the most.

• Read the same secret laboratory results that caused panic on Wall Street when the word leaked out that chocolate contains a hypnotic ingredient.

• Rumors of short people from outer space landing in suburbia erupted when entire classrooms of children pass math exams with perfect scores. The top secret files contain the complete story of this incident.

• Lint: A plot meant to drive good people insane is unearthed when a woman in southern Utah accidentally sends a tissue through the laundry cycle in her husband's pants pocket. Is it true? The secret documents teach you everything you need to know to protect yourself from “lintage.”

• Truth revealed: Repetitive music of video games is stratagem designed to drive mothers of teenage boys into submission.

• It is not accidental that your spoons are falling into your food disposals. Learn why.

• Information that you need today: Are you stirring correctly? Don't throw the planet off course with a simple slip of your wrist. Get the facts.

• Study the tactics employed by a 16-year-old diversionary master who is able to hide the fact that she is a brilliant pianist from her mother by endlessly talking about the need for new pants.

• Amaze and astound your friends and family when you are able to do 30 things simultaneously. Yes, folks, it is true. You too will be able to knit a sweater, cook a five course meal, balance your checkbook, weed the garden, learn to speak Chinese, and braid hair for a living while acting as a political advisor to your local Chamber of Commerce. You will still have plenty of mental effort left over to spend on other worthy activities such as drying fruit, teaching disadvantaged children how to jump rope, and scheming with office cohorts about how to rise to the top of the corporate world. The top-secret pamphlets show you how to accomplish everything you ever wanted to do in just five, easy-to-follow lessons.

I imagine that at this point you are wondering to yourself, “How? How do I get my hands on these secret pamphlets that have been locked away deep, deep in the Amazon?”

The answer is so simple that it is startling in nature! All you have to do is....

Weroiuoij....

Garf....

I interrupt my regular muse channel with a brief message that is being dictated to me by someone other than myself. It seems that the materials mentioned in this muse were not approved for public viewing by the big, beefy guys wearing black hats and shiny gold badges who are standing over me with a stick. They tell me that if I give away the location of the secret pile of socks - which they claim is needed to prevent global warming - that they will take me down to the deep, deep, dark Amazon and deposit me in that hidden safe along with the pamphlets. Since their case is particularly compelling and will affect my future ability to consume the aforementioned chocolate, I will stop now and pretend the whole thing never happened.

- Ro